My blog has been cheerfully shallow lately, as I focus on a drawing challenge and don?t really have much else to say. ?But I do feel dishonest, because the occasional ?healthy Monday? post doesn?t really tell you what is going on with me, and doesn?t explain the weight gain you will see if you go to my weight page. ?I?m moving away from my goal weight, in the opposite direction, and letting it happen.
I don?t think I?m an emotional eater, but I am finding that I am certainly a compulsive one. ?I think about food all the time, and after my healthy Monday last week and a relatively healthy Tuesday, on Wednesday I found myself in a chocolate shop. ?No, I didn?t find myself there, I deliberately went there. ?I bought a couple of bags of chocolates, and was easily convinced at the counter to buy some chocolate bars on impulse as well, which they had chopped up for taste testing and had on sale. ?A bag of chewy caramels, a bag of blackberry licorice chocolate drops, and two raspberry white chocolate bars. ?Many, many calories, and I had them in my desk drawer ? they lasted only until about lunchtime the next day.
Dinners this week have included KFC burgers and chips, pizza with garlic bread, and fried chicken and chips from the local chicken shop. ?This is not the kind of nutrition required by a person who has a goal weight of close to half her current body weight.
Yet throughout this I don?t feel depressed, or even unhappy. ?I?ve been chipping away at my hobbies, getting exciting messages from friends (two babies born in two days ? both a little bit early) and enjoying life with Dave. ?We even both went out into the garden yesterday and pulled weeds, trimmed rose bushes, felt like we were achieving something! ?I certainly seem to fit into a food addiction category of some kind, but I?m not sure that I need to talk about it more or counsel my way out of it, if that makes sense.
I do need to put in place proper discipline, proper plans, proper goals. ?I do need to stop impulsively visiting chocolate shops, donut shops, all the take away food shops that I am completely relaxed about entering. ?Symptoms of mine that do match food addiction and compulsive overeating include:
- binge eating or uncontrollable eating, even when not hungry
- eating much more rapidly than normal
- eating alone due to shame or embarrassment
- feelings of guilt due to overeating
- awareness that eating patterns are abnormal
There are other symptoms too, like depression or mood swings, eating little in public, and others that I do not have. ?But this doesn?t mean I should be ignoring my behaviour. ?Okay, preoccupation with weight is one of the symptoms, but I should be preoccupied with my weight, I am morbidly obese! ?What I shouldn?t be, though, is preoccupied with my weight but letting it continue to increase.
It is Monday morning, and because of the public holiday tomorrow I?ve taken a long weekend. ?I?m sitting here thinking about my day, what I have planned and what I have yet to plan. ?What I am going to do is have some breakfast and then write myself a proper grocery list, and plan some meals for the week. ?Part of the reason behind so much take away is that neither of us really plans ahead, we decide what we?re having for dinner when we?re on the way home from work, and the fridge contains nothing but some milk and condiments. ?Today I am going to head to the supermarket but NOT with an empty belly, and I shall not buy anything that is not on my list.
Wish me well!
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